Some Things Only Close in the Open

The rain was getting worse as my phone pinged on the fifth hole.

I finished out the hole and walked over to the next tee box when I decided to check it. No good. Another setback. I read the message twice and shrugged it off as I reached for my driver. I stepped up to hit the ball.

I couldn’t.

I just stared at the ball, waiting for it to say something to me. My hands wouldn’t go, my shoulders wouldn’t rotate. I had to step back. My mind started to race. Could I have said it better? Smiled bigger? Dressed sharper? The random thoughts that crawled into my mind moved from a brisk walk into a fast jog.

I had a choice. Pack the bag, drive home, close the door and deal with it in private. Or stay out in the rain and keep playing.

I stayed.

Not because I’d made peace with the situation. I hadn’t. But home was the quiet room where the silence could become deafening. I was wet, cold and out of cigs. My round didn’t care about the news. The next shot didn’t either. I took a moment to take in my surroundings. Being the only person on the course gives you a space that makes you feel tiny in a way that’s freeing.

I went back to my preshot routine. Deep breath, one thought, let the million thoughts flow through me. Smack. Fairway finder.

Sometimes being out in the open can give closure.